Lonely by choice?
In the February issue of the Atlantic, staff writer Derek Thompson makes a bold claim for this still-newish century: “This is the anti-social century, the century of solitude.”
He backs up his theory with statistics like these:
The share of U.S. adults having dinner or drinks with friends on any given night has declined by more than 30 percent in the past 20 years.
In 2023, 75 percent of all restaurant traffic came from takeout and delivery business.
Men who watch television now spend seven hours in front of the TV for every hour they spend hanging out with somebody outside their home.
The typical female pet owner spends more time actively engaged with her pet than she spends in face-to-face contact with (human) friends.
Former surgeon general Vivek Murthy warned, eloquently and passionately, about America’s “epidemic of loneliness,” but Thompson’s article moves in a different direction. If people truly felt lonely, they would seek out opportunities to socialize. It seems to be the case that we are acclimating to large amounts of solitude. We’re not happy about it, but we’re not motivated to change, either.
Thompson details the familiar trends. In the first half of the 20th century, we were exceptionally social. We went to church. We hung out at the library and other community spaces. We joined groups and clubs of all kinds. But then we all bought cars and moved to the suburbs, living in large private homes at a distance from neighbors. We gained leisure time, but we spent all of it in front of the TV. Robert D. Putnam documented all of this in 2000 in Bowling Alone. TV-watching began to replace practically every social activity, from hosting dinner parties to giving blood.
And then came the smart phone. The average American teenager spends 270 minutes per weekday and 380 minutes per weekend day looking at a screen. Children are engaging in much less of the kind of play that leads to social development. Teen anxiety and depression are at near-record highs. Important facts, depressing facts. Not necessarily new to most of us.
Thompson makes this interesting observation about the effect of social isolation on our body politic. When we don’t engage in everyday conversation with our neighbors, we become less tolerant. “…the erosion of the village has coincided with the emergence of a grotesque style of politics, in which every election feels like an existential quest to vanquish an intramural enemy.” That rings true to me.
The article ends with a rallying cry of hope, pointing to some small incremental steps that are making a difference - the rise in independent bookstores, board game cafes, schools banning the use of smart phones, etc.
What does this article have to say to people who care about the future of the church? What can we learn from this research? Might there be people in our communities who are looking for public spaces and public gatherings? They might not be ready for Sunday morning worship, even if invited by a friend, but maybe they would come to a book study? Maybe they would help at the food bank? Maybe they would attend a support group…
I don’t know that even the best preaching can convince people that their accustomed solitude isn’t good for them or for our greater community, but offering opportunities - gently and gracefully - might begin to help people to see that they’ve been missing something that their souls need.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this! Write me: calmconsultingandcoaching@gmail.com